May I Love You

Love perhaps better known as intimacy: Unfortunately, this is a topic I am most unfamiliar with except, in an outwardly sceptical and naively desirable, or perhaps just a romantic way.

I am much worse at this than I care to admit usually.

I am more sensitive than I let on.

I love deeper than I often express.

It is interesting how a holiday, such as Valentine's can make one question how to show love or to express love at all.

I dislike how people need a holiday to express love, and how it has become just another commercialized venue in America. Yet, at the same time, I understand the need for this holiday, that is suppose to make you think of someone else. Because in self-centered America, we need a reminder to love. We need the date marked in our calendars, so we don't forget to tell the important people in our lives they are special. Sad, how our world has come to this.

Love that is expressed in the bible, I have a hard time finding in life. The Patience, kindness, selflessness, humility, hope, trust and never ending love, I am almost skeptical of its existence.

Maybe this lack of emotion/ expression is something we are taught; To only express emotions in particular situations. I know for myself, I was taught that public displays of affection can only be brief and in greeting or departing. For this reason, I enjoy Valentine's Day because it is another socially acceptable time to say "I love you."

Why can't people say "I love you" more often? Why does the intention of a nice comment have to be questioned? (It is unfortunate that the English language has only one word for the various levels of love one feels.)

Perhaps though, this is too much to ask when I myself, have a hard time just with being vulnerable to let someone even befriend me long enough for love- whatever the level.

If you are one of those fortunate people who I have let stay involved in my life for more than four years consider yourself among the few. Of course, I am not an unwelcoming person, and I love meeting new people. All I am saying is it usually takes me a couple of years to give out more personal information than just the first date material. Yes, vulnerability is something I have never really been very good at. Often, once I get to that point in a relationship, friendship or otherwise, I turn the opposite direction and run!

Now speculating...
Perhaps the reason I am so guarded about me, is because I am such an emotionally attached person. I love people. I think everyone is fascinating. My problem comes when I get attached and then disappointed. I hate being disappointed, yet, it seems to be a familiar place. For this, maybe, I try to guard myself against. Call it self-preservation; If that is what protecting the heart looks like. Cowardice I might also call it.

However my resolve, to not get hurt and to run the opposite direction from love/ vulnerability, I do wish for completely expressed love. I am trying to be patient and listen to the "still small voice" telling me to wait, and that there is one better I am to wait for. (I am terrible at being patient- definitely not one of my talents.)

For now though, I am trying to just work on expressing myself more honestly out loud to those around me. I need to be confident. Writing for me is a start in that direction.

I find it easier to write out what I am feeling than to say it out loud. If my response is quick witted think nothing of my remark. If what is said is a pensive thought that comes in a quite voice, this most likely is more accurate of my true opinion.

I do want to be a better display of Christ in me. I want to be love and in this I need to be able to express myself openly. May I someday be able to be humble and love as my God.
Fill me up Lord, that I my be love and joy.