not about me

"Daddy, I’m still afraid. I’m. still. afraid. I’m still doubtful. I’m still weak. I’m still broken. I’m still angry. I’m still confused. I’m still regretful. I’m still guilty.
Daddy, I’m still afraid. Please come help me.”
This quote from a friend's blog made me cry today because it rang so true in my own heart as well.
It has only been two weeks since my team decided that "they were no longer a good fit for me and the goals I had for work on the field." Then the hospital that said they still wanted me to work for them also retracted their desire to employ and train me. While it is good to hear about these changes now, before I land in country, it still is super painful. Yes, not only did my pride take a huge hit, but my sense of loyalty and what it means to commit. It made me question God and His directing, now that I was left without a plan.

Proverbs 16:9 In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.

Then God, again. reminded me that He knows the desires of my heart: An invitation was extended for me to join the team leaving for Bolivia in two months. This would be a similar trip to one I had been planning for the college group just the year previously. Wow, really? A second chance.
I still had grand ideas of saving the world as an athlete, woman and radiology tech, as if God would be lucky to have me on his team. While I admit, I was super bummed and selfishly surprised that God would decide to close one door, he so gently continues to teach me that while I am blessed to serve him as a woman, my life is not actually about me or my plans.  Surprise!  If my life is about him, than I am called to glorify him in whatever it is that I do. Seeking first the kingdom and valuing Jesus more than anything else, is not really looking the way that I expected that it would. But when my abilities and talents are removed, all that is left is my strong emotional response to injustice in the world and the knowledge that I am HIS 100%.

Psalm 31:3 Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.

Oh the pure beauty of simplicity, and how we run to complicate it. We can analyze and critique. We can be so overcome by the intensity of our own darkness that we get lost trying to uncover and transverse it. There are depths of fear and hurt in me that I can’t even reach or bring to surface in order to repair. There is no other response when coming into the presence of God than that of a child. Dependent. Unashamed. Helpless. Expectant. And we are mere children, children of God. I have never seen a child find their shortcomings worthy of more attention and elevation than the very glory and holiness of God.
Opportunity, really, is about choice and priority. The path laid before me is almost no path at all, but I am not lost. I continue to trust God as I learn to go for opportunities whole heartily. Ultimately, I am committed to the work that God would have me do and hold out each plan to him for approval.

 Psalm 139:9-10 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

What would happen in our lives…what would happen in my life, if I decided to allow God his proper place exalted above my……….well, exalted above myself.

Changes

How selfish am I?
I lack restraint. I lack conviction and fear of God more than self desire. This realization sucks.
Selfishly I want to live in comfort, have a husband, eat well, travel wide, support many people, experience life.
None of this gives glory to God. Because in all of it I am trusting my own ability to provide for myself.
In no way does living the American lifestyle, for me, make me trust God as much as withdrawling from all that is familiar and safe. I am not satisfied with staying here.
How do I loose myself?
If it will be hard, uncomfortable, painful I have become soft and a wimp. I no longer have the strength to withstand difficulty or multi-task. I can not even start a habit of meeting with you in the morning Lord.
Yet, my heart cries out to bring you praise. My desire is to bring you glory and goodness.
I guess my urgency came with such a short timeline. With the timeline of eternity, I relax.
How sad that I do not continue in striving against time and toward the goal of heaven.
Yes, I am afraid of being restricted and bound, having no fellowship, and no opportunities.
This is not what I thought it was going to be like when I chose to follow the "call"
I thought you would use my natural talents. Instead my loud personality, independence and dependence on people and love of color will be sty-fulled.
All that I consider myself will have to decrease.
Lord please be glorified in this offering of myself.
I know you will provide but I know that this is all so that I will know YOU more.
I am so caught by fear at the unknown that I lack excitement in this knowledge.
I want to rejoice that you are my victor, but I feel that I will fail at any attempt and disappoint you.
Pros and Cons do not make sense.
In fact going to this country makes no sense.
I have no knowledge of living in a Muslim country, extending overseas experience, and hate being indoors.
Lord I do not know what you are trying to teach me in this. Other than you will be glorified some how.
Please turn this mess and disappointment into something that brings you glory.

Restoringyou have stayed in tough

Excerpts from a devotional I am reading called Jesus Calling.

I am calling you to a life of constant communion with Me. Basic training includes learning to live above your cluttered plane of life. You yearn for a simplified lifestyle, so that your communication with Me can be uniterrupted. But I challenge you to relinquish the fantasy of an uncluttered world. Accept each day just as it comes, and find Me in the midst of it all.

Talk with Me about every aspect of your day, including your feelings. Remember that your ultimate goal is not ot control of fix everything around you; it is to keep communing with Me. A successful day is one in which you have stayed in touch with Me, even if many things remain undone at the end of the day. Do not let your to-do list (Written or Mental) become and idol directing your life. Instead, ask My Spirit to guide you moment by moment. He will keep you close to Me.

1 Thessalonians 5:17; Proverbs 3:6

In Me you have everything. In Me you are complete. Your capacity to experience Me is increasing through My removal of debris and clutter from your heart. As your yearning for Me increases, other desires are gradually lessening. Since I am infinite and abundantly accessible to you, desiring Me above all else is the best way to live.

It is impossible for you to have a need that I cannot meet. After all, I created you and everything that is. The world is still at My beck and call, though it often appears otherwise. Do not be fooled by appearances. Things that are visible are brief and fleeting, while things that are invisible are everlasting.

Ephesians 3:20; 2 Corinthians 4:18

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Down to Arizona

Isaiah 57:15 NLT

I restore the crushed spirit of the humble and revive the courage of those with repentant hearts.

"You can have as much of Me and My Peace as you want, through thousands of correct choices each day. The most persistent choice you face is whether to trust Me or to worry. You will never run out of things to worry about, but you can choose to trust Me no matter what."
Zeph. 3:17.."the Lord your God is in your midst a victorious warrior..." Psalms 46:1-2. I am intentionally choosing to trust God,(imperfectly for sure) 

These were some quotes that encouraged me today as I just arrived in Arizona for Candidate School. God is good. I made it to each connection on time, saw the Grand Canyon, and the weather is lovely here in Phoenix. There are even lemon and orange trees around the pool at the hotel! Megan is coming to pick me up in a little while to watch the football game. Please continue to pray for me. Even with all these blessings and words of encouragement my heart is still down. This all feels surreal and I am still a little behind with one bible study to finish. Pray for me.

Thanks Elizabeth and Paul for the great send off dinner. 

Love you all!

What a group

It is often so scary sharing a piece of your heart with someone. For me it is so incredibly terrifying that I often avoid it. This weekend I don't know how I found the strength to share my art, sell it, and tell people of my dreams for the future. God you have surrounded me with love. Thank you for the encouragement.

Needing to write

Some things I do better than others. It is easier for me to bake than to do the work I know that I should do. I call it baking therapy. This week I have made cookies twice and now am contemplating a soda bread recipe. What am I avoiding you might ask. Writing is the answer. I have to read through and write responses to three bible studies. I have to write a support letter and news letter about my current status. And I need to write thank you letters. I struggle in these because they are not just the fanciful care-free writing. These are things that are really important and are close to my heart. People always say it is the things closest to your heart that are most difficult to share. Why is that? Is it because we never share our heart desires that we struggle to articulate them? For the most part I am a very outspoken person and like to give lots of details because I think out loud- not always a good thing. To be concise and still convey heart is difficult. Please pray for me.