is this really my life?

torn between being responsible and not caring, i contemplate.

radiology is interesting and i think that it could keep me busy for a few years, but what would i have done if there was no responsible answer to the question of a career?

i might have taken classes on massage therapy, more art history and art classes in general, i would have definitely travelled outside of the country more and taken language classes in Mexico.

maybe in another life i would already be living in another country pondering how to better aid the malnourished and uneducated. if i had stuck with nursing, would i be already on a medical relief team?

God, i wonder sometimes if i am actually where you want me to be?

tell me Lord, how should i pray?

i suppose death is something one gets more familiar with as we age. i can only speculate, the shock may become less of an unknown, the appropriate response, questions and actions again a place less uncharted; but what about those of us that are still young, how are we to react?

i am silent tonight in a place determined by memory. i reflect on last sightings, the family and loved ones, where i am, remorse and regret.
i remember getting ready for a school dance with you, but now you are gone. i wont get to tell you how beautiful you are on your wedding day. i didn't get to say goodbye.

tell me Lord, how should i pray.

some photos from the last year

Isolated

Being in Klamath Falls for school has never been the drawing point for me while living here. my friends here however, have been my joy. today, though i feel somewhat isolated. i came to the realization this week that out of all my friends here in Klamath, none of them can hold me accountable in my faith. i use to consider this a great thing to strengthen me in my own convictions. now, i understand why Jesus said to go out in groups of two. i miss the encouragement in talking to someone openly about our God. i miss the common strength in the reminder that He is always with me. though, i am surrounded by people here who love me, it is not the spiritual love as brothers and sisters. i don't know how to encourage my friends when they go through hard times. i can't tell them to hold on the the assurance that God will be with them through every step of their troubles/ heartache. i feel as if i can't encourage them with this because i would be forcing my own beliefs on them, even though i know this to be the truth. i want so desperately to have them experience the freedom, joy and love in Christ. i want my friends that know God briefly to come to a more full understanding of Him. i want them all to crave the relationship that i know is possible with the God of the universe. the same God that i claim as a friend, redeemer, and guardian.

who stole your joy!?

1 Peter 1: 3-9

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! in his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade- kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. in this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trails. these have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.



for some reason the church has become so consumed with the legalism of "church." Jesus never meant for faith to be about regulations and nitpicking over little things that mean you are "OK." though somehow Christianity has become about religion and less about relationship. less about the the freedom and joy found in Christ. it is about God.

peter had it straight. Christianity is not about contradicting life or what was done wrong. the goal of the faith claimed in Christianity is SALVATION- achieved through Christ. and this should be what radically changes our chore inside and ultimately, lifestyle. the result is a filling, more than excitement- "a glorious and inexpressible joy!"

be excited about what God is doing on the inside. let the life be radically changed from the religious games of cleaning and about what you are trying to receive from your faith to contentment and joy.

as Christians our faith is in a resurrected Christ- who claims us as His own! and gives salvation! and life with him forever! i know whose i am. for this reason i am excited to live a life inexcusably joy filled!

yes, i will not be understood when bad things happen and i am still joy filled, but that will be because my focus is on the eternal. i want all who meet me to be able to feel this freedom and and inexpressible life. Christianity is not a place of stoic faces but a place of joy!

this is my prayer

the challenge in a bible study from a surfer:
(my notes)
pray for your friends.
those that you disciple make sure to challenge them to also disciple others.
the armor of God is for battle- use it- be in battle.
follow the law of your land.
it is going to be embarrassing when you share Christ.
make sure that you use your mouth to also share about the need we have for God.
understand that it is a supernatural thing- you can't take credit for the God moments.
pray.
have integrity- live what you claim.
gain knowledge.
know Christ- everything/ anything can not compare.
make sure you point people to Jesus.
keep the commandments.
know that you are forgiven.
*the christen life described as a wheel* hub: Christ, 4 Spokes: the word, prayer, fellowship, and witnessing (make sure all the "spokes" are the same length - balanced in your lifestyle) the rim: the christian walk.
Pray: A-adoration, C- confession, T- thanksgiving, S- supplication (request).
attributes of God.
know the One True God.
walk the life, filled with joy, have fire.
patience.
reach out.
encourage.
show love.
obey.
live.

thoughts after the study:
i really wish that OIT had theology and world religion classes. i need to study the attributes of God.

Hello Friend, I've Missed You

Why wait for the drink to defrost your face?
Oh the great dynamic between winter and spring.
Retract your talons.
Even flowers push up through the dirt.
Nurture strength of your spirit.
It is still a beautiful world.
Remember what peace there may be in silence.
There is joy
Be careful
I've missed you.

there is something so freeing about writing. not sure what it is about free verse, but it does capture my emotion almost as quickly as music. this particular one has been on my heart for a while. i guess it is inspired by my friends and my feelings towards them... what do you say when all you have is love for them, but hurt every time you are near them? i can only imagine this is a part of the frustration God feels toward us as humanity and in how strongly we reject Him.

it has been a while

time passes so quickly. every year a little bit faster. i find the plans that i made a couple years ago have been pushed backwards or obliterated from memory. my plans to travel and see the world... became limited by my own desire to find a major to stick to. (i found a major, but did i miss my opportunity to travel last year?)
my quest to travel, however, is far from being forgotten. especially, considering all the stories from friends and family that have had the opportunities to travel these last few years. i do feel somewhat left behind or deprived i must admit.
top countries i would love to visit: New Zealand (inspired by my grandfather and cousin Elizabeth), Italy (inspired by my friend AJ), Germany (inspired by my grandmother), Cambodia (inspired by my friend Megan), Argentina (inspired by my friend Max), Spain (inspired by my cousin Aaron), Israel (inspired by my pastor), Ireland (inspired by a friend Megan) and more of the USA.
i love trying new things and experiencing different cultures. the cultural choices of food, dress, custom, and color fascinate me.
patience.