Changes

How selfish am I?
I lack restraint. I lack conviction and fear of God more than self desire. This realization sucks.
Selfishly I want to live in comfort, have a husband, eat well, travel wide, support many people, experience life.
None of this gives glory to God. Because in all of it I am trusting my own ability to provide for myself.
In no way does living the American lifestyle, for me, make me trust God as much as withdrawling from all that is familiar and safe. I am not satisfied with staying here.
How do I loose myself?
If it will be hard, uncomfortable, painful I have become soft and a wimp. I no longer have the strength to withstand difficulty or multi-task. I can not even start a habit of meeting with you in the morning Lord.
Yet, my heart cries out to bring you praise. My desire is to bring you glory and goodness.
I guess my urgency came with such a short timeline. With the timeline of eternity, I relax.
How sad that I do not continue in striving against time and toward the goal of heaven.
Yes, I am afraid of being restricted and bound, having no fellowship, and no opportunities.
This is not what I thought it was going to be like when I chose to follow the "call"
I thought you would use my natural talents. Instead my loud personality, independence and dependence on people and love of color will be sty-fulled.
All that I consider myself will have to decrease.
Lord please be glorified in this offering of myself.
I know you will provide but I know that this is all so that I will know YOU more.
I am so caught by fear at the unknown that I lack excitement in this knowledge.
I want to rejoice that you are my victor, but I feel that I will fail at any attempt and disappoint you.
Pros and Cons do not make sense.
In fact going to this country makes no sense.
I have no knowledge of living in a Muslim country, extending overseas experience, and hate being indoors.
Lord I do not know what you are trying to teach me in this. Other than you will be glorified some how.
Please turn this mess and disappointment into something that brings you glory.