not about me

"Daddy, I’m still afraid. I’m. still. afraid. I’m still doubtful. I’m still weak. I’m still broken. I’m still angry. I’m still confused. I’m still regretful. I’m still guilty.
Daddy, I’m still afraid. Please come help me.”
This quote from a friend's blog made me cry today because it rang so true in my own heart as well.
It has only been two weeks since my team decided that "they were no longer a good fit for me and the goals I had for work on the field." Then the hospital that said they still wanted me to work for them also retracted their desire to employ and train me. While it is good to hear about these changes now, before I land in country, it still is super painful. Yes, not only did my pride take a huge hit, but my sense of loyalty and what it means to commit. It made me question God and His directing, now that I was left without a plan.

Proverbs 16:9 In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.

Then God, again. reminded me that He knows the desires of my heart: An invitation was extended for me to join the team leaving for Bolivia in two months. This would be a similar trip to one I had been planning for the college group just the year previously. Wow, really? A second chance.
I still had grand ideas of saving the world as an athlete, woman and radiology tech, as if God would be lucky to have me on his team. While I admit, I was super bummed and selfishly surprised that God would decide to close one door, he so gently continues to teach me that while I am blessed to serve him as a woman, my life is not actually about me or my plans.  Surprise!  If my life is about him, than I am called to glorify him in whatever it is that I do. Seeking first the kingdom and valuing Jesus more than anything else, is not really looking the way that I expected that it would. But when my abilities and talents are removed, all that is left is my strong emotional response to injustice in the world and the knowledge that I am HIS 100%.

Psalm 31:3 Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.

Oh the pure beauty of simplicity, and how we run to complicate it. We can analyze and critique. We can be so overcome by the intensity of our own darkness that we get lost trying to uncover and transverse it. There are depths of fear and hurt in me that I can’t even reach or bring to surface in order to repair. There is no other response when coming into the presence of God than that of a child. Dependent. Unashamed. Helpless. Expectant. And we are mere children, children of God. I have never seen a child find their shortcomings worthy of more attention and elevation than the very glory and holiness of God.
Opportunity, really, is about choice and priority. The path laid before me is almost no path at all, but I am not lost. I continue to trust God as I learn to go for opportunities whole heartily. Ultimately, I am committed to the work that God would have me do and hold out each plan to him for approval.

 Psalm 139:9-10 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

What would happen in our lives…what would happen in my life, if I decided to allow God his proper place exalted above my……….well, exalted above myself.

Changes

How selfish am I?
I lack restraint. I lack conviction and fear of God more than self desire. This realization sucks.
Selfishly I want to live in comfort, have a husband, eat well, travel wide, support many people, experience life.
None of this gives glory to God. Because in all of it I am trusting my own ability to provide for myself.
In no way does living the American lifestyle, for me, make me trust God as much as withdrawling from all that is familiar and safe. I am not satisfied with staying here.
How do I loose myself?
If it will be hard, uncomfortable, painful I have become soft and a wimp. I no longer have the strength to withstand difficulty or multi-task. I can not even start a habit of meeting with you in the morning Lord.
Yet, my heart cries out to bring you praise. My desire is to bring you glory and goodness.
I guess my urgency came with such a short timeline. With the timeline of eternity, I relax.
How sad that I do not continue in striving against time and toward the goal of heaven.
Yes, I am afraid of being restricted and bound, having no fellowship, and no opportunities.
This is not what I thought it was going to be like when I chose to follow the "call"
I thought you would use my natural talents. Instead my loud personality, independence and dependence on people and love of color will be sty-fulled.
All that I consider myself will have to decrease.
Lord please be glorified in this offering of myself.
I know you will provide but I know that this is all so that I will know YOU more.
I am so caught by fear at the unknown that I lack excitement in this knowledge.
I want to rejoice that you are my victor, but I feel that I will fail at any attempt and disappoint you.
Pros and Cons do not make sense.
In fact going to this country makes no sense.
I have no knowledge of living in a Muslim country, extending overseas experience, and hate being indoors.
Lord I do not know what you are trying to teach me in this. Other than you will be glorified some how.
Please turn this mess and disappointment into something that brings you glory.